Log in

*The Real Me*

Recent Entries




January 31st, 2014

Snow - again


It is crazy snowing again. It has been the coldest winter I can remember in a long time. Kayla had her final step in finalizing her new job this morning. I worry when she's on the road in bad weather. Thankfully Kristy doesn't have to get out today. She needs to go pick up her check, but it can wait. I go in to work at 4 this afternoon and I'm a little worried about the travel. I'm hoping the road crews will be out in force way before then. I'm thankful I'm no longer driving over an hour to work. 20 minutes is no where near as bad when the weather is kicking up.

January 30th, 2014



I've been missing for a while now I know. My health issues, personal dramas and family trials have kept me more than busy of late. An overwhelming sense of depression has been trying hard to worm it's way in to my daily life. So far I have been able to keep it at bay. Most days. Of course my family & basically all of my friends know nothing of this. I'm the great pretender. My Facebook looks cheery and I complain only about headaches or flu or the weather there. It's TOO public. Putting it all out there is only asking for too many comments or too much sympathy. I can't handle that either. It's not like I don't have anything good in my life - I do. And I thank God for those people and those blessings. I just don't need everyone telling me to just 'focus on the positive' or 'count my blessings' or saying how much worse others have it. I know these things. And I know everybody has problems. Sometimes I just WANT to wallow. Okay?

August 23rd, 2013

More Pain


I got diagnosed on Monday with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I'm stunned. Depressed. Scared. My anxiety level is so high. I have so many questions. My doctor has started me immediately on a drug that he hopes will slow its progress & is referring me to a specialist. My job is in question. My hands. I have to have them to be a games dealer. What will I do? Questions. I had a mammogram that day too & I have a suspicious spot on my right breast. I go back Monday for another on that side plus an ultrasound. I had that happen before on my left side and had a lumpectomy & was fine. So I'm trying to stay positive about that. I'll feel better after I know for sure. But it's like wtf?!?! I think maybe a need a vacation. Or a shrink.

August 9th, 2013

Sleepless in Missouri


I got off work at 2 am and here I am. Wide awake. I think I slept 3 1/2 hours. So it looks like a nap in is my future today before working again tonight. I'm happy to report that I made it my 8 hours and didn't just fucking snap on anyone - :) !! I called my bf on a break about midnight and talked the whole 20 minutes. I did feel a bit better. Then I started texting with some friends I left behind at my old job in the city and they were so happy to hear from me that they invited me down to catch a game with them on Tuesday. Royals game. They are actually playing pretty well - for the Royals! LOL and I DO love going to Kauffman Stadium. Something about a baseball game with your friends. Brauts, Beers, and Baseball. Haha. So maybe this is just what I need to help snap me the hell out of this HOLE that I'm in. At least for a day. It's a start. Maybe I can stop the madness. Maybe...

August 8th, 2013



I'm trying, without much success, to pull myself up out of this depression. I worked last night and almost everyone made me mad at some point. That's very unlike me. Business was slow so I did get off a little early and I tried to sleep. Sleep is broken and full of nightmares recently. So I feel so tired no matter how long I actually lay down for. I'm getting ready to clock in again. I took my meds and am hoping for a better shift. I need my hours too so another night like last night can't happen. I'm praying to just get through the next 8 hours without a mental breakdown. Fingers crossed. xxxx

August 7th, 2013



I'm so ridiculously depressed. I find new and interesting ways to hide it. None of my friends or even my family notice I don't think. I've been eating so much Xanax and painkillers I wonder if I will end up with some kind of addiction. And saying that, I'm only about 1/2 way kidding. The money problems, medical bills, the girls' student loans, my health, Kirk's overbearing personality, my best friend living a thousand miles away now. It just keeps piling up. And I try so hard to tell myself to cheer up, people have it worse than me, blah blah blah. It just doesn't work. But damn I'm getting good at faking it.

July 8th, 2013

Lupie Day


Having a bad lupus day today. I've slept a lot, suffered so much joint pain, a bad headache. I'm praying tomorrow is a much better day.

June 18th, 2013

Another Day

Let me start by saying Father's Day was a bitch.  Like it has been since 2007 when I lost my dad.  I avoided the cemetery this year.  I plan on going sometime THIS week when I am better mentally.  We did all go to my mothers for lunch just like any other Sunday, except along with my brother, my sister also showed up.  This day is also exceptionally difficult for my mom still too.  But with all her kids, the grandkids and a couple of GREAT grandkids around, how sad can she be, right? We had good food, good conversation, and a few laughs.  Good for all our souls.  After we left there we stopped by a local dairy that sells bottled milk, fresh cheeses, and homemade icecream.  Yummy purchases were made.  It was a beautiful day outside too.  No rain for a change.  Damn, I swear I'm beginning to think I have teleported to Seattle or something.  Missouri weather is always unstable, but never THIS wet this far into the year.  And the up/down temperatures are not helping my muscle/joint condition AT all.  One day it's 65 with a low of 39 (unheard of this time of year) and the next it's about normal with temps of 85.  But it's the damn rain that has everyone baffled - and behind.  I live in farm land.  They can't get their crops in and what crops are in aren't growing properly.  We also have a ton of construction workers who normally go back to full time work in late April who still aren't even 40 hours a week yet.  Including my husband.  He's pissy and hard to live with.  Typically by June he is 6 days a week, non-stop work, have shed the winter weight and built back his summer muscles.  Not this year.  He only has about 4 years left in the Teamsters Union before he can retire with full benefits, so going elsewhere is not an option for him.  Not after he has worked SO hard for SO many years.  We are barely making the bills and with me only able to work part time I feel partially responsible.  I'm happy the rental property is pretty much paying it's own way right now.  The rent money pays the mortgage on the buildings, the insurance and the taxes.  Not much left 'just in case', but we pray hard that nothing breaks or anything until we can handle it.  :)  Today has been one of those off and on rainy days, so I'm stuck with a bunch of outdoor projects that still won't get done.  So hello LJ, goodbye plans.  LOL  Have a great day everyone.  I'll keep my chin up.  :)

May 31st, 2013



I have a short trip planned to Minnesota this weekend. We have family there. 2 graduations. I'm taking my mother. And I'm making my sister go with us. I can't be alone with mom for that long. Haha. My aunts and uncles who live there don't really drink or anything so I'm wondering if she'll try to sneak alcohol in her suitcase or something. I'm not looking forward to that conversation if she does. I don't know how to handle that in a delicate way. I don't want that in my car, I understand she has a 'disease' and can't go 3 days without drinking, but I can't have an open container in my vehicle. She's also going to want to smoke. It's a 6 hour drive. We don't smoke in our cars. I told her we can stop along the way so she can get out to stretch her legs. I just fear a fight. Why did I get myself in to this? :-/

May 21st, 2013



God bless the people in Oklahoma. All my prayers and sympathies for those folks.

Powered by LiveJournal.com